Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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