Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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