Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
