Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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