i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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