The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
