She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
