I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
