I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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