He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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