So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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