just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You're a disaster
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