No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
