I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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