when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
