im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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