I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
