She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
