You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize