When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
