my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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