Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
