but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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