I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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