So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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