Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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