She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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