I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
