I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
