Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just invented taco cereal.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
