If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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