what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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