defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
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Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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