She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
