How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
where are you?
Hypothermia
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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