I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
