Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
