you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
