Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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