So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
