tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
