I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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