Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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