I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
