the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
