I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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