I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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