No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize