The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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