i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
honey bunches of taint.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
