Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
