Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
