no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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