Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
