you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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