So drunk, too bad you don't want this
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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